My Life Isn't Pretty & I Have to Pretend I'm over it

So I've obviously fallen pretty far off the wagon of health wellness and fitness. I remember when I first discovered Cassey Ho and how hard it was for me to swallow her perkiness, something I've broken down since I met her. Why is it so hard for me to relate to happy people and why has it always been etc. etc. But anyways I chalked it up to a lack of health and wellness dove face first into Blogilates, learned to dance..well kind of... and never planned on looking back to my new beautiful yoga and pilates filled lifestyle.... If you just puked... then maybe you'll understand me... and hopefully how much this hurts. That was until I had kids, I learned so much about my childhood.

I started this blog site partially because I wanted to go into business with my dad, basically, myself and a lot of his other guy friends and the "brotherhood" (union to which he belongs) looks out for a lot of his health concerns which between making sure he doesn't pass away in his sleep or explode from high blood pressure basically requires daily maintenance. (very hush hush ) I'm sure I'll get unimaginable backlash from mentioning it but basically I'm getting so much crap for everything else I do. Like standing up for my girls dignity and against pedophiles that I might as well. I thought hey my mom (basically the old lady of the family) takes care of everyone's health on the daily and is fully expected to do so, like forever, like instead of having a normal job so I can have nice shoes like the other kids growing up, just like I am fully expected to basically learn how to do when she gets too old and crazy and they're ready to kill her off. I (like a normal person) fully believe that the family would be totally fine and furthermore totally capable of caring better for themselves if they went to church every Sunday and worked out a little more, hey maybe with someone like me, you know in a formal setting like a pilates studio.

Anyways, I should probably mention my family is basically like sons of Anarchy, which sounds so cool but it's not. It's not because the hooker that got beat up is your cousin, and she's not a hooker maybe they made her out to be one because she got abused by her dad, and it took the show having a bunch of bikers show up and defend her to make her feel like anyone gave a F&%$ at all. Not so cool, especially because it probably just made her feel made fun of about something very sad and personal and made him feel even cooler. See this is why I drop out of existence because none of this makes me feel or sound very cool and my workout routine has really been put on the backburner since having to face that a lot of these people never got checked and are still living their lives like it's cool and I had to give up literally almost all our earthly possessions and live in a shelter (multiple shelters since randoms kept coming to attack us) This is my babies' first year of life mind you. To get away from all of these people who walk around feeling so cool. Who have helped make multiple people famous like one of my only friends of almost 20 years who helped set me up to get abused by multiple men after I fell for her pretending to be attacked and injured and I went looking for her, not realizing that it was a super fun drug game to her and my family in which they would abuse me for basically (caring about the slut) I was pregnant though so I got over that very quickly and realized I had to be a mom. I didn't know my family was involved. I didn't know that they were like this. It almost seems as if my whole life was controlled up to the moment of having kids to give them a chance to try to get at my kids. I'm ashamed in every way. It goes so deep, but I know I am not the only one. I never knew these things were possible. Not of my family. I never knew how they felt about me when I was a baby and that the deeply uncomfortable feeling that I felt around them was actually reflective of how they felt about me from that time. Please understand how deeply painful and defining this fact is to me. I already felt I didn't fit in anywhere, and I couldn't sit still around any of my family members for more than 15 minutes. Of course I felt like a freak! I didn't know, I didn't know until I had my girls that this was because they like to blur the lines between adult and baby things specifically. I could never imagine. It's the sickest thing I've ever seen. These witches! IT was like every gift everything that they gave me was in someway insinuating some sexual innuendo. Of course I would assume that I was nuts and surely taking things wrong. That's until I'd wake up to my dad in his underwear because the baby wore her little black dress that night or have a sex dream because they got the baby a shirt that says dream forever. It's just crazy madness right. Worst most tragic thing is, when I'd fall asleep breastfeeding sometimes I'd wake up from a deep dream ad I felt different, I felt old, I felt angry, so unlike my loving mommy self. I didn't understand it. I didn't realize that I was being spiritually attacked.

So I left everything I left the safe home near my family, I rejected most gifts and tried to just play dumb for the most part because what was happening was nuts and a lot of it was in my sleep like literally all in my head, but it was affecting the way I felt when I was awake, and I just felt like I couldn't maintain any walls, worst of all my family started having this strange flirty feeling like we had a little secret. EW!!!! to the 10th power!

The oppression progressed and things got even worse, my world got smaller, I realized that this isn't just a problem within my family, this is a MAJOR problem with women out there, especially women in poverty, which is shameful, but hey here are the facts. Many women generations back were abused, may families it seems for some crazy reason like to pass on these abuses are replay them like a ball game for new generations. I remember now, the most bone chilling feeling, my dad had a gleam in his eye when I told him I was pregnant

like GAME ON! BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN! I thought great but I had no idea. I feel like I've lost him, i'm so sad. I'm finally breaking the denial though. It's worse than losing him in an accident. It's losing him slowly piece by piece, while questioning your sanity and having to wake yourself up constantly to the pain of the fact that he is looking at your kids wrong, not only that but he's looked at me wrong my whole life and I naively didn't know it, and now he WANTS me to know it, and that's why he keeps doing things. Even when I cry and I beg, but I melt down my feelings and then I have to be a good mom and pretend everything is okay. I have to rebuild the reality every morning after stressing a sweating at night (because if I fall asleep, I wake up to a sex dream and I swear I thought I saw one of the babies climax which is sick, scary and twisted) but in their reality, no one has ever touched them. No one has been alone with them their whole lives. I got a credential to teach preschool so I wouldn't ever have to leave them. I asked no one to change their diapers so I could give them as much dignity as possible. I don't do drugs I do pilates, and if I did do drugs it'd be the bouncy happy kind not the dark downer kind, just saying but many nights I woke up feeling sticky dark sexual types of feelings I assume are like heroin or pills. Then the babies started to cry a lot and I started to feel a dope headache. (for CPS I do not nor have I ever been a heroine person k) If I fell asleep or ate (like anything other than liquids and soup & salad over a 9 month period) It would get darker, I would begin to nod out almost just sitting there. Oh yeah yeah I know I'm breaking the code hitting the wall bad girl blah blah blah but hey this shit could have made me lose my f*&$# kids so I'm

GOING to say something about it! Basically that was always the BIG threat to because my babies were a little early, I think the skinny ass CPS worker was all over me from day one. Which I really cannot emphasize enough what a buzzkill it is to have someone threaten to take your baby (when you are not a drug addict) when you're trying to celebrate the miracle that you just created.

I'm still in a shelter, I have a month. I can barely hold onto the car and it seems that everyone is expected to starve, it cures the baby's headache, it's harder than I expected. Both, the not eating, sleeping, and the starving. I can't do enough to feel accomplished. I risk sex dream by eating or sleeping ever their dad stays up all night walking around while he lets me sleep to help avoid that sticky dark feeling, but just on a regular note, it's harder being a mom than I expected, it's harder doing it without calling my mom or dad, and it's nearly impossible to do it without their dad here. Worst of all it seems like in some of the shelters they're playing the same games while calling CPS on you. Money is not everything the best things in life are free but it is enough to stop you from losing your kids. I could have a home if I was willing to put my kids at risk though. Oh the irony. Tell me I'm not the only one