Now what are we gonna do???

I love my blog... too bad I'm never really here. The babe with the power is now 8 months and occasionally, if I let her sleep where she wants and don't dare try to move her to her own crib allows me a little time to myself so I will again try to do this. My life isn't very pretty right now and neither am I so I am not even going to attempt the whole vlogging thing for a while.. Honestly my mind has been too preoccupied with my girls being in care to really care at all about my health and wellness or this blog but since I have hit the floor since having put myself out there as a new health and wellness vlogger and Pop Pilates instructor and instantly losing everything about 3 or 4 times in a row my life is succumbing to a shit hole of depression and loss of self worth I figure maybe I should just begin again to write about what I am thinking and at some point I might begin to

resemble the person I just was.

I'm facing that the likely hood that my daughters will come out of this without some sort of emotional setback is highly unlikely. I have tried to hide the stretch marks in all the chaos and physical decline I am going through but I'm pretty sure there maybe some keen eyes who will still be able to tell. So I decided to look into children with PTSD (worst case) and some of the options of homeschooling, all girls schools etc.

I feel like my perspective on the importance of education and its use in the real world has changed a bit since I was growing up. For whatever reason I grew up with a lot of anxiety that was never really diagnosed or resolved as a child so I think that instead of a lot of pressure being put on being a regular kids it was just put on getting good grades to give me a shot at a good future, get a scholarship, get into college, get a high paying high powered job at the end of it all to make it worth the trouble and to prove I guess that I was capable of being a "successful" human being and be more than just the average worker bee. So I did , I got good grades even though I hated school, I had few friends, I had anxiety, I didn't have enough money to go and do things that costs a lot of money so I didn't fit in as well as I would have liked. Well kind of, really I am a hardcore introvert and my needy best friend was more than enough socializing for me since she could never get enough

attention I was exhausted and saw no need to try to go out there and duplicate or replace her, I would likely just let everyone down when I don't reply to their Facebook posts. Anyways, lets hope this will be easier and at least some of my beautiful daughters are extroverted, had to say this soon. I did get good grades though, and it was not that hard for me to be proud of my intelligence but when I got out of school this was really not enough to fulfill me. I felt a lot of the overwhelming feeling that I can now relate to my PTSD symptoms around getting good grades and achieving. I was never even taken away to foster care by 3 big officers and watched my mom hauled away in a cop car before the age of 2 like my daughters. So I am trying to be optimistic and pick out the reasons my daughters can still be happier than I was growing up because honestly I remember being pretty stressed and depressed as a child.

1) EDM- way better than Linkin park and limp Bizkit as far as mood music

2)Homeschooling

3) Perspective of appreciating that we GET to be together again

4) A FAT life insurance policy so when I die they can do whatever they want, marry whoever they want and still be okay just being together

CONS:

According to Google search -Children with PTSD are:

• 87% less likely to finish school

• 67% less likely to start a university degree

• 73% less likely to finish a university degree

  
  
  
  

PROS

According to Google - Home schooled children are:

• Likely to outperform children in even private schools

• They score 15-25 percentile points higher on standardized tests that public school kids

  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  
  

  They usually score higher on the SAT and ACT for college admissions

• Have lower levels of depression

Ultimately, I know we will make the best of whatever is left of our lives but I am so sad it went from taking a little video, doing some Pilates, and writing a little book to trauma informed education but I guess this isn't the type of thing anyone plans for themselves. I just hope we can at least end up doing this somewhere cool like the beach or big bear lake or something.

Until next blog..